I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
