I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
