Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
