What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
