after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
