My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
