I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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