Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You don't make any sense
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