Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
