Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i will never coherently bang her
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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