as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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