to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
