I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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