you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
