Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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