I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
