woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
