she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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