I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
