Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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