clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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