Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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