I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
