I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
not ubering you a puppy
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
