he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
