just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
