You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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