If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
