be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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