2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
