So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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