C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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