Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
