I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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