WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
