Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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