FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
