Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
