god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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