One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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