I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
