Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
