Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
