I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
