Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
