There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
