All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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