At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
