Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
