Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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